Earth Is Ghetto
We’re that one house in the galaxy that never cuts their grass
Somewhere out there in the distant ass sky, some alien-mom is nagging the shit out of her green alien kid and reminding them to stay the hell away from Earth.
“Noop, noop. Noopy noop noop!” alien-mom says,
“Mom! I’m just going to a party! I’ll be back in less than a lightyear,” the green kid replies.
Next thing you know, the kid is being grounded and told they can’t teleport for a week. What’s a bored green alien to do?
Obviously, I don’t speak alien. But that’s what I’d imagine the conversation to sound like — a loud clattering of clicks and beeps going in one alien ear and out the other. I mean, they can’t be that dissimilar from us. They have moms. And dads. Right? And they nag the living shit out of their children just like we do. Which is why I’m pretty certain they constantly forewarn their children about flying around near that dirty, smelly 3rd rock from the Sun.
Why?
Because Earth is the gawd damn ghetto of the solar system…and maybe even the entire universe. This tiny blue dot with the weird energy around it is teeming with life and populated with Beyoncé fans. Yes, we humans are quite possibly the stupidest things ever created at the hand of almighty God. We are worse than Chia Pets. But at least Chia Pets are cool little novelty items with a catchy jingle in their commercials. Humans, though? We just like to get drunk and lay around all day eating family-sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and watching Quentin Tarantino movies (damn, that sounds like me).
Thankfully, my version of humanity is mostly harmless. Wish I could say the same about some of these other humans, however.
I mean, there are some legit shitbags out here that can’t seem to function without violence and greed and hate, turning Earth into a virtual dumpster ball of fire & callousness rotating around an actual ball of fire called the Sun. If I were a green alien from the planet Nytrodaze, I’d stay my ass the hell away from Earth too. Earth is the ‘hood.
Still though, as a fellow human, I recognize I am not perfect, but it saddens me, y'all. What is so damn hard about being good to one another? We collectively as a species have created a planet that even E.T. is terrified to fly his bicycle past. Nobody in their right mind wants to stop at Earth. And why should they? It’s a big ass ball filled with oceans, people, and God-forsaken Packers fans. Any self-respecting UFO with home-training is better off taking the next exit at Mars.
I guess I say all this to say it wouldn’t kill you to be a little compassionate to other Earthlings, dawg. I’m kind of tired of being embarrassed to say I’m from Earth. Aren’t you? After all, you’re intelligent life — it’s about time you start acting like it.
